How to Get Your Groove Back

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While reading In My Own Way: Backward

“I felt a kismet connection! It was as if you were psychically reading my last 15 years! Yes that’s how long it’s been since I dated. At first it was the fear of being hurt which turned into work and friends. That was enough for me. Now I feel stuck. I forgot how to flirt, talk up men. I know my weaknesses, but how do I overcome them? Are there classes to get your groove back?” - Elena, San Francisco

Groove is that intangible thing; a quality we all want, sometimes possess, and without realizing it, can let slip away. Elena, we don’t offer a class, but we do have Matchmaker Alyssa Bunn, our go-to ‘groove girl’ and author of the Ask Aly Heartalytics column. Alyssa says getting one’s groove back starts with…

GET GOING: Experience is more important than being told.

Flirting is about playing with possibility, not going in for the kill. Reconnect with playfulness. Smile, offer a genuine compliment, practice making others feel like the person you'd want to meet. Aim for most to like you, few to dislike you, and none to be disinterested. It starts with that first ‘Hi’.

CONFIDENCE: Confidence is groove.

The single greatest asset you have when it comes to dating is confidence. Without it, you will accept unacceptable behavior, waste time in dead-end relationships, and feel pessimistic about your odds at finding and keeping lasting love. As single people across the world know, most of the variables in love are completely out of your control, but confidence isn't one of those things. Without question, you absolutely have the ability to build and exhibit genuine confidence. Confidence is a mindset, make it work in your favor.

Editor’s Note: Does confidence require perfection? Heck no! Alyssa says:

Perfect is subjective. It's not in your control, because it doesn't exist—so ditch it. With a world full of edits, plastic, and materialism, authenticity and asymmetry are seen as the new nose job.

FIND YOUR PURPOSE: No one else can find it for you.

When you're more certain about who you are and what you're interested in, it leaves little room for doubt. Believing in your value breeds confidence, and confidence is undoubtedly the key to success in dating. So find what you're silently drawn to. What brings you joy? Go do that. Soon enough, someone will come along and stick.

FOCUS ON YOU FIRST: How do you feel, what do you want?

The central question of romance is not "Does this person like me?" but "Do I like this person?" It's so rare to have a true connection with someone who likes you, who you like back. Know that you are putting yourself at a serious disadvantage by being anything less than secure with who you are and what you want.

Editor’s Note: Alyssa says:

The thing about relationships is that finding one is totally out of our control. It happens when it happens—a strange confluence of luck, experience, and timing mixed with an open heart, open mind, and a wee bit of magic. The time we spend yearning for that perfect person is time better spent expanding our own spirits.

BE REALISTIC: The whole ride won't be a fairy tale.

Expectations are everything, so set them accordingly. Think realistically. Realistically, you will meet people who are odd, selfish, and emotionally unavailable. Realistically, you may have to go out with more people than you think before you find one you'd like to keep around. If this is all predictable, it shouldn’t take a personal toll.


What we think, we become. Our thoughts are fuel. They travel to the heart, they become our character, they guide our responses, they dictate the direction of our lives. Heavy, but true. Mind the messages you send yourself.

Reclaim that groove, Elena!

Dating, PressAlyssa Bunn